Joyless Me

 Quote: 

"My Pain gave you Joy."

Materials: 

Watercolors of black, red, green, brown, blue and orange, Black Ink, Ink Stamp

Description: 

Watercolor droplets fill the page. A path of colorful droplets strikes the middle. 

Open Letter: 

To those who have given pain for their Joy. 

 I  wrote this letter a while ago when you were still interested in discussing our problems. It goes as follows:

"Often, I hear this voice in the back of my head anytime I am happy. It tells me that I am a horrible person who does not deserve happiness.

- It will say things like:

• YOU are annoying.
• YOU are discussing.
• All YOU will ever be is something that gets in the way of other people's Joy. 
• YOU are worthless.
• YOU will never be enough. 
• YOU deserve to suffer. 

But I got to a place where I was happy and didn't hear that voice. I felt safe.

On Saturday, when it was brought up that you were interested in being in a committed relationship, I wasn't scared because it still felt like there was care and a want to keep our friendship. As if it meant something.

But then I had one of my thoughts run through my head. I texted you in an attempt to vocalize the fear that I felt. It was so easy for there to be a change in what we were doing in pursuit of another person, but there didn't seem to be concern about what that meant for us. I wanted you to tell me you cared about me and listened to my concerns. That was not what happened. 

Instead, I found out that you had a conversation with your new partner and had decided that the two of you would be exclusive. I felt blindsided. You didn't reach out to talk to me. I felt like I had been walked into the situation and left blindsided. I was already feeling insecure and felt like there was no attempt to reach out and tell me. It broke me because I needed you to tell me you would be there. I didn't want you to say to me we would be okay. 

The only thoughts in my head were the bad ones telling me how worthless and stupid I was. That I should have never thought that I deserved anything good. I look back at those texts, and I am filled with fear. I don't know where to go from here."

I had that letter ready to go. I wanted to talk. I just think to myself now just how hurt I was and still continue to be. The wound itself doesn't mend because it ended on this lie of an expectation. The letter was never read because while you said you wanted to talk, that conversation never happened. 

This letter will go out to you, those who can only care about their Joy without thinking of the pain it may cause others. You chose to have Joy in your life. It's just that for you to have Joy, I needed to have pain. I will have spent many sleepless nights by the time you have read this, where my mind has rewritten the narrative of the times we were together into something akin to grayscale instead of rosy. 

In one way, I am better for knowing you, but I have become even more jaded in other ways. Take care of yourself. I may never be able to forgive you for the way that you treated me. But I still need to carry on as if I could. 

With the kindest intentions,

Wren